It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Not today.. 😂
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were