So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?