studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”