“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
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Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious