*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth