Did my cat write this
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.