Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.