nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.