I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out