I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Blew out my flip flop…
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken