[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.