Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
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In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives