Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
shit just got real
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.