During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid