Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Stop being racist to kettles.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit