me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
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Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life