[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters