“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Attacked by a mop.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.