[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
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[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.