me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
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Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I’m not wrong
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.