Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
translated into Canadian
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano