“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends