Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Knock Knock
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
“I FIXED IT!”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins