Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something