Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
You Might Also Like
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”