I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Children of the corn 🌽
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.