Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Meeeee too!
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup