I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today