4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm