2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it