[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.