I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I only eat vegetarians.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
he’s doing your taxes
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.