Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
opening twitter today
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!