Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Do not steal food from the science building!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
File under excellent bookstore names.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*