me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.