*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Cat is stressing him out.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Autocorrect completely socks
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.