If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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We decided to have money instead of children.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it