excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”