Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.