My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”