The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Cndnsd Mlk
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.