I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The asteroid..
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?