Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh