Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose