Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I can’t stop laughing at this
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Erm…
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
In case you needed to hear it:
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.