Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
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If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
How to make infinite energy.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
“Huge”.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.