Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
i prefer mine room temperature.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.