*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
this chia pet tastes awful
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though