You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.