Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
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Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots